By now, most of the stalwarts that are still here have surely noticed the dearth of tourists and visitors to our fine city. With the exception of Bangkokians (or should I say Bangkokites?); who are desperate to escape the ‘troubles’ in the City of Angels, tourism numbers here, in Pattaya, are in the toilet. Between the “shirts,” the economic situation and the volcanic ash, just to name a few, the tourism ‘gods’ are not with us at this time.  Anyone who has visited the beach, the bars and restaurants or shops, lately, can attest to the lack of customers in these establishments. Therefore, it behooves the powers that be to come up with some creative ideas to return Pattaya to the tourist Mecca it once was in its fabled past. Here are some thoughts on getting the tourists back to Fun City.

•Announce some more infrastructure projects. Bridges, tunnels and road widening schemes are just a few examples. Everybody loves projects that are started, but never completed; such as the Tappaya Road and Jomtien Second Road ‘improvements.’ It’s so appealing to see dug up roadways, raw sewage and big holes, which are more or less permanent fixtures. It really makes you want to stay here and to return in the near future. We all know that when a new project is begun, the plans will be drawn up at the local insane asylum. Getting a road widening project completed is an endeavor of epic proportions. Can you imagine if they really attempted to put in bridges or tunnels to alleviate the congestion on Sukhimvit Road? It they announce improvements to your neighborhood, head for the hills.

•Start some more new condominium projects. Then, our skyline can be adorned by yet more hulking, skeletons of the unfinished buildings. I think I saw a few inches of vacant land along Jomtien Beach Road. That’s got to be filled in immediately.

•Visitors should follow the rules of the road here: That is, the law of the jungle. So called traffic laws should not be enforced. Those foolishly attempting to cross the street should not expect traffic to slow down or yield to them even if they have a green light or if they’re within the “zebra” lines. Drivers and bikers should feel free to drive against traffic flow, run red lights, cut off other drivers and do whatever else they please. Tourists and residents, alike, should feel free to drive without a license. (What’s a license?) Five passengers on a motor bike are hunkey dorey as long as the driver is wearing a helmet.

•Businesses should raise their prices during the low season. How else can they make up for the drop in customers? Raise the prices and they will come seems to be the modus operandi. The few customers left will be happy to pay higher prices for their drinks, food, etc.; won’t they? Truthfully, the laws of supply and demand apparently don’t apply here in Thailand. The THA (Thailand Hotels Association) recently urged their members not to lower prices or offer further discounts. Apparently, it’s feared that by lowering room rates, the hotels might actually attract more customers and fill their facilities. Maybe they’re afraid that lower prices would attract ‘lower quality’ tourists and not the high class types that usually populate our area.

•Police and other officials should not be vigilant about protecting visitors from pick pockets and other miscreants. When someone does report being the victim of a crime of scam, just take a report and forget about it. Hey, the criminal has to make a living too!

•To get people to come to the Land of Smiles, offer insurance to visitors in case they’re killed or injured as a result of civil unrest. “Gee, Mabel, let’s go to Thailand for our vacation. If we get maimed or killed during an insurrection, the authorities will pay to ship our bodies back to New Jersey.” That’s a really appealing prospect.

•Strictly enforce the closing times for entertainment venues. We all know that nobody visits Pattaya for the bars, discos and nightlife anyway. So, let’s be nannies to those that come here to party and make sure they’re off the streets by 1 am. Most tourists come here for a day of visiting temples and a good night’s sleep, don’t they?

•Despite the best efforts (or missteps) of the tourism industry and various authorities, most visitors end up having a good time here in Fun City. When you arrive at Suvarnabhumi Airport, just get into a taxi or bus and head straight to Pattaya.