The following stories, although not technically true, were suggested by actual events reported by the media here in Pattaya. Anywhere else, these stories might seem a bit toward the outrageous. However, here in ‘the extreme city,’ they may not seem strange at all. The average reader may, well indeed, yawn and say, “So, what else is new?”

According to a local Pattaya publication, each kilometer of the seven kilometer Tappaya Road widening project was given to a different contractor to complete. Perhaps, the geniuses in charge thought that there would be a competitive rivalry that would encourage the various companies to finish first. Well, to paraphrase the great Sarah Palin, “How’d that work out for ya?”

Following up on this brilliant idea, the owners of a well-known and much anticipated condominium project, presently moribund, but slated to be the tallest building in SE Asia (or at least the tallest on Jomtien Second Road), have handed over ninety contracts to ninety different construction companies. Each contractor will be responsible for one floor of the building. The contractors that complete their sections of the building first will receive bonuses. No one has, yet, determined how it will be handled when a high floor (say the eightieth floor) is completed well ahead of the lower floors. (Suspend it by high tension wires, perhaps?)

Another article informs us that there will be a crackdown on foreigners who back gay bars, beer bars and go-gos. Incredibly and shockingly, some suspect that when staff members are taken ‘off’ (or bar fined), these rendezvous may be related to sexual activities. There seems to be a suspicion that these young men are not being taken, solely, to enjoy a fine dinner and a night at the opera.

A meeting was held recently and attended by the owners of girly bars, beer bars and go-gos, where some of the lasses are minimally attired or in their birthday suits. Non farang owners of gay venues were in attendance, as well. All were assured that they had nothing to worry about regarding the current crackdown, as long as their establishments didn’t feature male entertainers or if they did, weren’t backed by farang owners. Walking Street breathed a sign of relief. The cries of “Don’t believe everything you read,” were drowned out in drunken laughter.

In the Your Tax Baht at Work department, a recent news item reported that a foreign man was arrested for working without a permit, even though his application for a work permit was currently being processed. Tellingly, a ‘team of officers’ descended on the restaurant where the desperado was allegedly working and caught him red handed sitting at a computer.

In other crime busting news, little ten years old Petey was recently spotting peeing in the bushes in a wooded area off Siam Country Club Road. Police were called and responded with a ten man special task force to apprehend the pint sized criminal. Petey was taken, in handcuffs, to the Soi Nine Hilton (aka police station) to await the arrival of his mortified parents Mr. and Mrs. Harry Prince, from England. Petey was released with a stern warning, this time. He was informed that his thoughtless action could have caused serious damage to the natural vegetation and could be considered an indecent act to the voyeurs who may have been watching. During the successful operation, there were ten gold chain snatchings, a motorbike hijacking and one murder, which could not be answered because no manpower was available.

Variations of this story appear almost daily: Recently, while waiting for customers at a South Pattaya beer bar, the girls decided to while away their time playing a friendly game of dominoes. To make it interesting, the ‘service girls’ wagered small amounts of baht on the game. Apparently, a ‘concerned citizen’ observed these dastardly activities and informed the police; who duly marched the girls off to the police station and fined them each 200 baht for illegal gambling. The dominoes, as well as 60 baht, were confiscated as evidence. The ladies were quickly allowed to return to their place of employment so they could do an honest day’s work.

In the never ending quest to stamp out vice, including the scourge of illicit gambling, a squad of flak jacketed officers burst into the hotel room of Mr. John Johns, a tourist from North America. Mr. Johns and his three buddies were caught red handed playing a friendly game of Pinochle. The four miscreants spent the night in the monkey house. Their cards and one baht/fifty satang were not returned.

 Colonel Sven Hendrickson, from Sweden, bet his American friend, Alan, that the last story was total balderdash. They wagered fifty baht. As they were overheard making the wager by one of Pattaya’s finest, they were both detained; however, not to worry. Alan won the bet.