Your Pattaya Horrorscope

Aquarius (Jan 23-Feb22)  You are hoping that 2012 will be a lot better for you than 2011.  Well, it won’t be.  You are still stuck in Pattaya with a poor, frozen pension and prices are going up all the time.  Thousands of Aquarians have already been cremated in Pattaya and, to be absolutely frank, you are just another one waiting in line for the inevitable.  You remember with fondness the 1960s which was the last time you could go around naked without people laughing out loud.

Pisces (Feb23-Mar22)    Your memory is going from bad to worse.  You can recall what you were doing on the day Kennedy was shot but have no idea which dvd you watched last night.  However January 2012 promises to be full of surprises for you.  These could include a demand for back tax from your home country’s internal revenue service or an email from a former lover who wants to borrow a lot of money again.

Aries (Mar23-Apr22)   You are far too fond of your own voice which is one of the consequences of being born with ram’s horns.  You would love to post a Youtube video of yourself giving a lecture on The Milky Way, but you are too thick to understand how to do it.  Whenever you get up to speak at any of the local expat clubs here in Pattaya there is always a rush to the buffet if not to the general exit.  This saves the organizers holding a fire drill.

Taurus (Apr23-May22)   Like all bulls you are very earthy which is another way of saying you don’t shower often enough.  You feel you are going absolutely nowhere in life and this is exactly so.  The most exciting thing likely to happen to you in 2012 will be sitting in a baht bus with a flat tire or standing behind a group of Russians in the hamburger queue or being in the immigration office when there’s a power cut.

Gemini (May23-Jun22)  You are popular only amongst people who are attracted to schizophrenics.  You like to imagine you are a cross between Plato and Shakespeare but, in reality, you are a mixture of Tony the Tiger and Woody Woodpecker.  Many Geminis are bisexual but they should rejoice they are not hermaphrodites which would mean they could never undress in public as well as being hard to spell for illiterates such as you.

Cancer (Jun23-Jul22)  It’s surprising you came to Pattaya to live because your idea of an exciting time is an argument with yourself in the bathtub.  Hitler’s deputy was a Cancerian although, to be fair, he argued with the rubber duck rather than with himself.  One of your greatest obsessions is your belief that people are screwing you although this is not the case in the sense that you would like.  It would help if you picked your nose with just one hand.

Leo (Jul23-Aug22) It’s odd to think of you as a born leader of men as you are in reality a doormat for people to walk over.  To try and compensate for this you kiss mirrors a great deal, especially when you are in the nude.  Research has shown that most people arrested for disgusting sexual practices, such as necrophilia, are Leos.  You like to think of yourself as a lion but the only connection is that you both have slimy noses and a cleft lip.

Virgo (Aug23-Sep22) You are obsessed with cleanliness which is why you seldom venture onto Beach Road at night.  In fact you rarely leave the house as you are usually on your hands and knees scrubbing the floor with a magnifying glass.  One of your phobias is to find the water in the bathroom has been cut off just after you have had sex.  There’s no need to worry as hiring a prostitute is way out of your budget.  You have a great fear of cat hair.

Libra (Sep23-Oct22)  You are obsessed with your own self-importance.  You have already joined fifteen Rotary clubs but have not been elected to the committee of any one of them.  You are aware you are a complete jerk but persist in seeking out advice in the most unlikely of places, for example the weekly TV schedule and advertising hoardings.  The best thing about you is you can explain, when drunk, the difference between café au lait and café latte.

Scorpio (Oct23-Nov22)  Sadly you are wrong about nearly everything.  You think a computer hacker needs a kitchen knife and that an Indian meal is a Red Cross parcel.  Fast food to you is finishing a hamburger and chips before the waitress has brought the knife and fork.  You even sent your condolences when the wife of a dead African dictator asked you if she could put her husband’s cash in your bank account.  You must avoid The Walking Street at all costs.

Sagittarius (Nov23-Dec22)  Your new year resolution is to be able to buy a sequined dress to wear, but that’s unlikely if you are a tubby man in his late 60s.  Amongst your other unfulfilled desires are to buy high-heel shoes, which unfortunately are not made in size Euro 48, and to fit into a nurse’s uniform.  This latter hope is also impossible as the only thing that will fit is the hat.  Your application to join the Tiffany show chorus is unlikely to be acknowledged.

Capricorn (Dec23-Jan22)  All Capricorns are dishonest persons of the worst kind.  Most politicians were born under this sign but often lie under oath when questioned about the matter.  When you were at school, you read Cinderella six times trying to work out how to steal Prince Charming’s jewelry.  It is assumed that, following a nuclear war, only cockroaches and Capricorns will survive.  This will mean that possessing a mobile phone will be pointless.

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