Your Pattaya Horrorscope

Aquarius (Jan 23-Feb22) You are desperately lonely but you are chasing someone who despises you for what you are – a mean and somewhat smelly individual. Bear in mind that you can’t buy love, except on the Walking Street of course. Be on your guard against an emotional email on Saturday which asks you to help your stranded grandmother in Canada to get back to Manchester. As you should know, she died thirty years ago.

Pisces (Feb 23-Mar22) On Wednesday you will likely be given the opportunity to get involved in something that you have always wanted to do. This would be very dangerous indeed, especially now that the Milky Way has lost some of its colour, and we strongly suggest you take a cold shower when you receive a tempting phone call or whatever. If you reject our advice, then have a good lawyer handy.

Aries (Mar23-Apr22) You need to consider some solid ideas to put your personal finances on a sound footing. These could include stopping going everywhere by limousine taxi and having afternoon tea in five-star hotels. Now that Orion is in alignment with Mars, you have the opportunity to take some sensible courses of action to protect your cash. Try to avoid leaving your passport and bankbook in night clubs.

Taurus (Apr23-May22) You are far too docile and need to start showing your feelings in situations which should make you angry. Thus if somebody vomits on you whilst riding on a baht bus, then think of something more forceful than offering him your handkerchief. By all means open up to people with whom you feel comfortable sharing feelings, but avoid known criminals and bag-snatching transvestites.

Gemini (May 23-Jun22) It is completely pointless worrying about internet banking when you do not own a computer or understand anything about them. Your trouble is that you are a throwback to an earlier age, even before the invention of electricity. It’s not really your fault as you come from a family of morons. Your ancestors tried to book a passage on the Titanic even after it had sunk.

Cancer (Jun23-Jul22) You have to face up to the fact that your lover is betraying your trust. All those used condoms, I’m afraid, are a dead giveaway. Be ready for the emotional blackmail which will follow your exposure of the adultery. Explain that you can make your own meals, thank you very much, and you don’t need a partner to explain how to use the remote control on the TV. Don’t be palmed off with nonsense.

Leo (Jul23-Aug22) The heavenly twins are at loggerheads again and you must be careful on Thursday or Friday talking to strangers who may not have your best interests at heart. Thus if a stranger shakes your hand, do check immediately that your jewelry is intact. If someone tries to brush the mustard off your trousers in the street, immediately assume that person has done the squirting to try and rob you in the confusion.

Virgo (Aug23-Sep22) Make your surroundings as comfortable as possible but do not spend money needlessly as is your custom. For example, there is no point in buying furniture for the upstairs bedroom when you live in a bungalow. You may feel inclined to join a club or society to boost your social life, but avoid chess clubs if you can’t play the game as they tend to be unfriendly people. Sex is a possibility on Sunday but not if you remain in bed all day.

Libra (Sep23-Oct22) Your big day is Tuesday when you will be invited to big the opening speech at an important meeting. However, don’t spend too long on preparing it as the chances of cancellation are quite high. Attempts to bargain with somebody on Friday will backfire on you. For example, if you are the victim of a hold-up or robbery, it is futile to argue you have starving children at home craving a dry crust of bread.

Scorpio (Oct23-Nov22) Your obsession with sex is becoming an embarrassment to yourself and everybody else. You do not seem to realize the difference between eroticism (which involves using a feather) with pornography (which involves the whole chicken). You just do not seem to care whom you approach for anonymous sexual encounters. The attendance at expat clubs has slumped since you joined.

Sagittarius (Nov23-Dec22) Travel plans are likely to backfire at the weekend, especially if your car is stolen. Be very careful on Monday if someone tries to back you into a corner, the more so if you are wearing expensive jewelry. The alignment of Venus suggests that your loved one is entering a period of bad health and you may want to consider contacting underwriters and undertakers before the reality becomes too obvious.

Capricorn (Dec23-Jan22) You really are a thick person and it’s amazing you have survived this far. You don’t even know that Find the Lady is a gambling game with cards – absolutely illegal in Thailand – rather than a long drawn-out game of hide and seek. You really do bore the pants off everybody.  It’s rumored that some bar closures in your area are a direct consequence of your calling in for a coffee.

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