Your Pattaya Horrorscope

Aquarius (Jan23-Feb22) Aquarians make everyone jealous because they have a ridiculously high sex drive. They are forever on the lookout for sexual pick-ups whether it be in the supermarket, the library or even at a funeral. They have a secret desire to go naked in public which is why a good number have been deported from Thailand in recent years. Research shows that many pop stars and other undesirables were born in early February.

Pisces (Feb23-Mar22) Everywhere you go laughter and comedy follow you. This would be fantastic if you were trying to be funny, but alas that’s not true. You are a complete social disaster, believing for example that The Big Dipper is a constellation next to The Milky Way. For this reason Pisceans should avoid quizzes and competitions at all costs. For you, working out why the chicken crossed the road is postgraduate material.

Aries (Mar23-Apr22) Hitler was an Aries man which says it all. Your problem is that you think violence is the answer to every problem. Many Aries born men are club bouncers or debt collectors who become too big for their boots. Hitler in his youth was a house painter but this was simply to give him an excuse to start arguments with the people living there. Thinking of you as a ram is laughable as impotency awaits you in every encounter.

Taurus (Apr23-May22) If you feel your life is going nowhere that’s because it is true. To start with, your personal habits are disgusting, smoking when taking a shower and not washing properly under your arms and between your legs. You are also pig ignorant which doesn’t help. When filling in a form asking you for your sex you are supposed to give your gender and not write “Yes Please”.

Gemini (May 23-June22) You are a schizophrenic but don’t realize it. You imagine you are Socrates and Plato combined but a more likely duo is Laurel and Hardy who slept together even though they didn’t fancy each other. Geminis speak very loudly which is unnecessary as they are usually talking to themselves. They also imagine they are ambidextrous which means they can pick their nose with both hands at once. Ugh!

Cancer (June23-July22) Cancerians are forced to be loners because they are never invited to parties. They are always trying to help other people without knowing how to assist. SWAT teams show up at their house because someone has reported a hostage situation. More Cancerians than any other star sign are thrown out of the Samaritans for giving bum advice to the suicidal, for example where to buy handcuffs and plastic bags.

Leo (July 23-Aug22) You like to grab attention any way you can. Many people who set fire to themselves at demonstrations are Leos as are those who steal knickers from clothes lines in the middle of the night. You like to kiss mirrors a lot. People like you are forever searching for affection but you never find it because the population at large regards you as a jerk. Some Leos claim to be gay but this is only to draw attention to themselves.

Virgo (Aug23-Sep22) You are obsessed with cleanliness and even examine your toothbrush with a magnifying glass. You are also dangerous. Virgos commit most of the world’s drive-by shootings and, when challenged, say it’s because the owner never cleaned his car. You also like opening and closing the fridge door continually for hours on end, just to try and fool the light into switching itself on and off wrongly.

Libra (Sep23-Oct22) Libras eat a great deal but have no insight into the culinary arts. They think that fusion cuisine is two sausages stuck together and an Indian take-away is a Red Cross parcel. They also believe that fast food is running down the road with fish and chips after failing to pay the bill. Librans are so hopeless at general knowledge that they don’t even know the difference between milk coffee and coffee with milk.

Scorpio (Oct23-Nov22) You think the whole world is against you yet fail to understand why you have never been abducted by aliens. You see conspiracies everywhere and think the Titanic was sunk by a stray torpedo. It has been shown conclusively that most Scorpios are very hairy and this is particularly true of the women. You cheat at cards but it doesn’t do you any good as you don’t know what trumps can actually do.

Sagittarius (Nov23-Dec22) Sagittarians have a great love of adventure come what may. Several booked a passage on the Lusitania after the Germans threatened to sink it. Others rushed to British railway stations when the IRA bombing campaign was at its height in the 1970s. Their lack of fear explains why Sagittarians often accept jobs such as fairground freaks. Most of the applicants for the recent vacancy of hangman in India were born in December.

Capricorn (Dec 23-Jan22) Capricorns are ambitious, self-glorifying and as dull as hell. This explains why most politicians are Capricorns and why global warming is unlikely to be challenged early enough. They love to talk into their mobile phones whilst everyone is watching, even though they don’t have anyone to call. Most of the people arrested for grand larceny and counterfeiting are born in early January. Jack the Ripper was a Capricorn.

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