Your Pattaya Horrorscope

Aquarius (Jan23-Feb22)  With Mars crossing Saturn, your life isn’t looking good.  Somebody who suspects you are naive is likely to make you an empty promise which will lead you stray.  For example, you must beware of taking out expensive medical insurance which kicks in only when you are on your deathbed.  Also be careful about your personal information as you are somewhat of a fool.  It’s plain stupidity to write your PIN number on the back of the card.  Please try to learn.

Pisces (Feb23-Mar22)  Don’t let anyone convince you to do something you don’t want to do.  If you can’t swim avoid the highest diving board at all costs.  With the Milky Way in turmoil again, you need to be on your guard for a partner or lover who has evil intent.  If he or she suggests moving to a high-rise condominium without safety rails, then expect the worst.  The stars agree you are definitely of limited intelligence.

Aries (Mar23-Apr22)  Love and sex are decidedly on the agenda for Saturday and Sunday this week, although the position of Gemini in the skies suggests that these will cost you even more money than they usually do.  It is reasonably clear that you will be going on a long journey within the next two weeks, so we do hope this will not prove to be in a hearse making the tedious trip to Phuket central crematorium.  It’s far too expensive for a cheapskate like you.

Taurus (Apr23-May22)  Beware of being taken advantage of by your colleagues in the office.  The ham and tomato sandwiches you take there are certainly yours and you should not feel under any obligation to share them with the riff-raff which make up the working population today.  Beware of applying for another job right now.  The stars predict that any new employer would discover that your PhD thesis was copied from the internet.  We can supply the website if needed.

Gemini (May23-Jun22)  You are a silly, self-confident prig who refuses to take any notice of what your friends and relations are telling you.  In fact you are the sort of person who tried to upgrade his cabin on the Titanic even after the captain gave the order to abandon ship.  This is the month for you to consider home improvements which will benefit you greatly.  Repairing the holes in the roof will certainly save you keeping buckets all over the bedroom.

Cancer (Jun23-Jul22)   Go over your personal papers now and look at your options for saving money and reducing costs.  But do remember you are stupid and get somebody else to check the details.  For example, buying a load of discounted frozen food at the supermarket is a waste of time and money if you also disconnect the fridge to cut down on electricity.  In ancient Carthage they used to strangle at birth babies like you.

Leo (Jul23-Aug22)   Expect to face emotional problems that stem from someone’s overindulgence, such as being sick on your carpet after eating too many chocolates.  Mental and physical stimulation will lead to new beginnings but could lead to a term of imprisonment if you try to make your sexual realties come to life.  Excessive boasting on Friday could land you in big trouble especially if you wear false teeth.

Virgo (Aug23-Sep22)   Discover new places or interests this month which will broaden your horizons.  But you must be realistic in your aims.  Planning a trip to the Amazon rain forests is a complete waste of time since you can’t even afford the cost of a replacement passport.  You may want to distance yourself from a person who has the ability to cause you grief, including all judges and prison officers.

Libra (Sep23-Oct22)  Changes to the way you live are absolutely vital for you at this time to restore equilibrium.  However, you must be careful to choose wisely as starting smoking again or playing Russian roulette could prove to be counter-productive.  As you are extremely unpopular and have many enemies, try to avoid looking over your shoulder all the time.  However, this rule can be rescinded when you are driving a car.

Scorpio (Oct23-Nov22)  Learning about different lifestyles will help you choose what is best for you even though you are an unashamed bigot.  Thus finding out about Israeli kibbutz will avail you nothing as you always vote for neo-fascist parties at election time and argue in favour of the president of Iran in discussions at the pub.  Broaden your options by doing something academic, such as playing darts or learning dominoes.

Sagittarius (Nov23-Dec22)  Use your expertise today or tomorrow to replace what is faulty and you could well impress someone of influence.  If you are good on electrics and happen to be in the house of the Mafiosi when the lights fail, don’t hesitate to offer to restore the power even if this involves taking off the ropes and chains.  But don’t try to reach a deal as they will simply shoot you in the head before calling in a proper electrician.

Capricorn (Dec23-Jan22)  Communication is highlighted in your horoscope today.  You must be open and candid with the people around you and speak frankly to
them.  This will not be easy for the likes of you with such a sordid sex life and so many gambling debts, but you must certainly try.  You may receive an e-mail about your job from a stranger, but do not become too excited.  It is likely to be a blackmail threat with a totally obscene attachment concerning you.

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