Your Pattaya Horrorscope

Aquarius (Jan23-Feb22)  With Mars again in the ascendant and the Milky Way on the wilt, the prospects for your health are not looking good.  It will be pointless to buy cough sweets and aspirin until it has become much clearer which part of you has to undergo drastic surgery.  This may be the time for completing tasks you will really hate doing such as making a will or buying Christmas presents well in advance.  Better be safe than sorry.

Pisces (Feb23-Mar22)   Keep your private thoughts to yourself today and tomorrow as they are especially disgusting at this time of the year and relatives may cut you off without a penny.  On Thursday you may feel like going out to find people who share similar goals to you, but the urge must be resisted lest you incur an unexpected penalty such as a long term of imprisonment or deportation from the land of smiles.

Aries (Mar23-Apr22)  Money is the big issue at the moment for Aries, or rather the lack of it.  Tuesday is heralded as the day when you will make an unexpected financial find which fails to please you.  This could be a win on the lottery which is compromised when you can’t find the ticket.  Try not to be too concerned as riches bring problems of their own.  Whatever King Midas touched turned to gold, but he died of starvation.

Taurus (Apr23-May22)  The heavenly Ploughman is still orbiting, so the advice must be to focus on fun, family values, entertainment and treating yourself in an Indian restaurant.  This will not be easy for you as you have no sense of humour, have no relatives who are speaking to you and TV set is broken.  Additionally, Indian food makes you sick as you cannot bear the smell of coriander.  Lucky colour is puce.

Gemini (May23-Jun22)   Today you need  to look at the big picture before you make a momentous decision which could affect the rest of your life.  For example, there is absolutely no point in thinking of getting married just because you have never been on honeymoon.  You must also examine the suitability of the proposed partner before venturing up the aisle.  Remember Hitler never married earlier in life because of awful halitosis.

Cancer (Jun23-Jul22)   As the Sun crosses the path of the Heavenly Twins, it is inevitable that you will want to do something original and exciting in the next few days.  But check with friends first.  Driving the wrong way down a one-way street or chatting up a stranger on a bus or train could land you in the deepest do-do.  Because you are stupid and lack tact, try not to be left alone with anybody whatsoever.

Leo (Jul 23-Aug22)  It is always amusing to think of you as a leader or a lion, as you lack even the most basic skills for persuading people to follow you.  Even the rats would have gone in the other direction when they heard your pied-piper tune.  But there are bonuses in your life-style.  One is that you are so thick that you don’t know when people are criticizing you in your presence.  Try to avoid carrying pornographic magazines when you are out shopping.

Virgo (Aug23-Sep22)  Interacting with others today and tomorrow will be difficult.  Don’t expect everyone to be completely honest with you.  Some people won’t tell you to change your laundry even when you are stinking to high heaven.  You lack self-confidence and are useless at job interviews and personal relationships.  Don’t spend what little money you have on confidential counselors which would be a complete waste of time.

Libra (Sep23-Oct22)  The heavenly signs are now in the right position for you to consider taking on new interests and learning new skills.  However, you need to raise your sights higher than simply learning how to play snap or being able to use the remote control without turning off the television.  You will meet new people on Friday but the likelihood is that they will dismiss you as a complete fool.  Walk away if you feel the pressure.

Scorpio (Oct23-Nov22)  You have a great deal of trouble reading other people’s thoughts or understanding simple statements.  If someone tells you to keep your eye on the ball, the advice is not invalidated simply because you don’t play table-tennis, snooker or football.  It is difficult to know how you could improve as night school classes aren’t usually available at the lowest level which is the only one you understand.

Sagittarius (Nov23-Dec22)  Love and romance are highlighted today and tomorrow but you may be disappointed with your latest conquest.  You must be prepared for an unexpected financial burden such as paying for a sex change operation.  This kind of problem will keep re-emerging as long as you restrict your picking-up places to the Walking Street.  Frankly, there’s a better class of person these days in the hamburger joint.

Capricorn (Dec23-Jan22)  Today someone may try to blackmail you and you must not concede too quickly.  It could be a bluff.  However, if the photographs really are of you in a compromising situation you must certainly demand the negatives before parting with your cash.  Bear in mind that mobile phones don’t have negatives, so check whether they can be used in court.  Be prepared to move cities at a moment’s notice.

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