Aquarius (Jan23-Feb22) With Mercury again dipping you are warned to be careful what to say to other people lest you offend them. Admittedly, this will be very difficult for you to achieve as you are universally thought to be tactless, brainless and self-centred. In fact you are so stupid that when you ring the bell in your local pub you expect everyone will pay for your drinks. Expect physical violence and try to wear a tin helmet whenever possible.
Pisces (Feb23-Mar22) Your dream is to achieve inner peace but this will not be easy whilst you maintain an interest in violent DVDs and blood sports. During the next few days you are likely to experience a surge of power although this is likely to be followed by an electric shock of considerable size. You are advised to stay well away from home repairs, particularly lawn mowers and drills. November is a prime time for Pisceans to have accidents or suicides.
Aries (Mar23-Apr22) Given the state of your health recently it is somewhat laughable to think of you as a Ram. Recent movements in the Milky Way suggest you are doomed to a life of sexual disappointment unless your sole expectation is to view questionable movies on the internet. Mid November sees someone grabbing your attention, but beware as this is likely to be a thief, charlatan or an expelled member of Rotary.
Taurus (Apr23-May22) Your interest in gambling is leading you to rack and ruin. You think an ace in the hole is something to do with gardening and a full house is a sign in front of a popular cinema. As Castor and Pollux are scheduled to combine an orbit in the next two weeks, it is possible that a stranger may make you a tempting sexual offer. As long as you are clear that going is prostitutes is expensive and habit-forming, then go straight ahead.
Gemini (May23-Jun22) An inheritance is on the cards this month so you will be anxiously watching for the postman. Venus and Jupiter’s position right now suggests you should not become too optimistic as your family have been spendthrifts. It could just mean that you will have to subsidize an elderly relative’s funeral as there is nothing left in the bank. Single Geminis can expect to meet someone who has had many lovers and needs a medical check-up.
Cancer (Jun23-Jul22) Your reading of the heroes of history may land you in big trouble as you attempt to follow them. The invasion of Poland seemed like a good idea in 1939 but Hitler regretted it later on. Mussolini may have attracted big crowds but he went bald prematurely and ended up being hung upside down outside a petrol station. Prospects on the romantic front are poor as you never fancy anyone except yourself.
Leo (Jul23-Aug22) Black eyes are par for the course if you continue trying to pick up people who think you are disgusting. If people show interest in you then you will be well advised to read between the lines. For example, a new friend may turn out to be an undercover reporter or a Nigerian scam mastermind. Until The Heavenly Plough is back on kilter in the skies it may be best if you consider yourself under curfew during the night hours.
Virgo (Aug23-Sep22) If you are thinking of organizing an early Christmas party, then invite only true friends and loyal lovers. It is true that probably nobody will show up but your expenses will be minimal and you will be able to donate handsomely to assorted and seasonal charities. It is likely that you will be invited on a long journey soon, but this may turn out to be only a tedious car trip to wave an acquaintance goodbye at the airport.
Libra (Sep23-Oct22) Sometimes enjoying sunny skies can lead to you getting wet when an unexpected storm develops. Developing a crush on a member of the opposite sex can lead to most severe problems if they turn out to be married to a mafia boss. You can always seek the protection of an umbrella but this will be of little use against automatic weapons and sharp knives. Your lucky number is 13, another big concern at this time.
Scorpio (Oct23-Nov22) You need to be reminded once again that a momentary pleasure can result in a long period of misery. Examples include enjoying a large Chinese meal you cannot pay for and breaking windows in the local police station. The stars insist that a stranger may offer to dump his partner for you, but insist on a full medical and psychiatric assessment before getting involved. Only you can take care of yourself you see.
Sagittarius (Nov23-Dec22) Examine your bills very carefully this month as there are warnings that you may be cheated or the victim of a terrible mistake. If you are a red-blooded male you need to check carefully items from a women’s lingerie store. The stars suggest you concentrate on improving your working environment although this may be difficult if you are unemployed or a door-to-door salesman.
Capricorn (Dec23-Jan22) Nobody was put on this planet specifically to make you happy. You need to realize that you have to act to make people like you. You can impress others by inviting them for a meal, it is true, but absolutely pointless if you pass the bill to them or expect them to pay for your taxi home. It is sad but true that there are more Capricorns in jail than any other star, but it’s best not to advertise this fact.