I have to say, what a laugh it is watching the motor bikes in and around Pattaya. In Europe, and particularly, the UK, Health and Safety would have a fit. With legislation and red tape right up to the ying-yang, it would not be possible. The police, not able to apprehend real criminals, hot on your tail and giving you a ticket before you knew it, landed with a fine or points on your licence.

Is the motor bike covered by insurance, has it had an M.O.T, and is it road worthy, (are the roads road worthy for that matter), has the person passed their driving test, and reached the legal age to drive a motorbike, are they under the influence of drugs or alcohol?

Just driving around we are playing Russian roulette dodging the dodgems!  Just the same as at the fun fair, it is manic, crazy and at the end of a relatively short driving session you are, quite frankly, done in mentally!

All the motor bikes remind me of that feeling you get when a train door opens and everyone piles out all trying to be at the front. There are no rules, just chaos.  Every gap between each car being crammed full of motorbikes and riders.

When driving, your brain is not just two cars ahead, but two cars and the, seemingly infinite, number of motor bikes crammed in.   Even if you allow supposed proper braking distance in between you and the car in front it will suddenly be filled with a motor bike.   Your head and eyes are constantly scanning to see where the next incoming missile, in this case the motorbike, is coming from.    Is it going to collide with you? Or scrape your car, maybe get into an accident with the car right in front of you. One thing is for sure, if it does happen, it will be your fault! Mind blowing stuff, a simple drive contains more action than the biggest block buster film.

Recently, I travelled along the train track road from Bangsaray towards Siam Country Club. I was stationary and indicating to turn right, I could not believe my eyes and, laughing, pointed it out to my mate.  A motorbike passing in front of us, the passenger was carrying a tray of eggs as if he was a waiter carrying a tray to a table. He had it balanced so well as they bumped over the tracks at the crossing. I wish I could have got my camera out faster and took a picture of it.

Why do you need a removal service using lorries, just have a company of motorbikes transporting goods? Since coming to Thailand I have seen many things transported on bikes that have totally had me in stitches. Just how many people can you fit on a motorbike? 5 or 6 it seems with last person side saddling with brilliant balance.

I have seen passengers (and drivers) balancing such items as a massive TV in between their  legs, two shopping bags off either handle bar, a complete door frame around the drivers shoulders and over the handle bars resting on the front mudguard.

The funniest for me was last week, had a cigarette hanging from her mouth and the famous shopping bags in her hand. Probably her bike was an automatic, but I was thinking of how was she going to puff and drag on her ciggie hanging from her mouth, she reminded me of Creuella Deville out of the 101 Dalmatians!  Driving off down the road with her hair blowing into the wind like a bat out of hell!

The thing I always laugh about is the way people wear their motorbike helmets, are they safety devices or cool fashion accessories? I have seen some people wearing base ball hats stretched over their hard hats, I had to stop rapidly the other day, out by the lake, the driver of the bike in front had to stop because his helmet had blown off of his head. It is a safety device and should be secured via the strap provided. What is the point of it? It is so laughable. Some people don’t wear helmets at all or perch them on their heads at a strange angle, I saw one guy wearing it backwards. What is that all about?

It is really crazy, think safety; it is not a fashion piece, although I have seen some really awesome coloured helmets great stuff! All those ex-pats that seem to think its cool to wear a “pink” crash hat!

The way they weave in and out of the cars with the sudden unexpected U turns and 90 degree twists. I had to catch my breath more than once and am sure I nearly died on several occasions.

On the other hand the many different mobile motor bike shops is amazing, you can buy shoes, clothes, handbags, any hardware for the house and of course all the tempting food delights. Carts selling ice cream, Thai food and lovely smelling chicken or pancakes simply adds atmosphere to the streets.

But, oh my word!

They take up the whole road, being nearly a width of a car, and go along at a snails pace, it is like the story of the hare and the tortoise all the way down the road, the cars (hares) trying to overtake hundreds of motorbike carts (tortoises).  If you were trying to get somewhere quickly you would simply end up pulling your hair out and feel as if you were going to end up in the nut house! At times to have a car like James Bond, with a side winder missile, would be a very tempting advantage.

Then there are the bikers who take up the whole road cruising along the middle of the road and spread out in a haphazard pattern screaming along. Please guys give a thought to the hazards already on the roads without adding to them. I have to add the bikes look brilliant, great pieces of machinery.

In England they have invented a syndrome for it – Road rage. Here it is all part of the normal road we all travel on, so I guess road rage may be an easy option.  As Noel Coward sang “Mad dogs and Englishmen go out in the midday sun” and it seems every motorbike in Thailand.