Due to the lockdown, the advice is to receive a maximum of four people during Christmas this year. You may find that fucked up, but maybe it’s also a nice excuse to avoid certain family members. Delicious! Below is a list of recognizable, annoying Christmas guests.
1. GAME ADDICTED NIECES AND NEPHEWS
“What’s the WiFi code??!!1!11! We need to play Fortnite”, that’s the first question your game-addicted nieces and nephews ask as soon as they storm in. Or they immediately hijack your beloved PlayStation and then sit at your joysticks with their dirty hands full of snot and chocolate scraps. Nope, no one will miss them.
2. THE AUNT (OR UNCLE) WITH THE SCALES
“So, what have you gained.” We all have an aunt or uncle who has to bring up your weight. It’s especially nice that they tell you that you’ve gained weight while it’s Christmas and you’re likely to gain another 10 pounds.
3. YOUR WINDY GRANDPA
Grandpas are the shit. Especially if you are lucky enough to still have them in your life. This year it was of course extra difficult to visit grandparents. But they often take ‘being the shit’ a little too seriously. Yep, it’s about your grandfather’s farts, which simply don’t smell like flowers. Fortunately, you don’t have to experience it this year while enjoying your lasagna.
4. THE AUNT WITH THE MOST ANNOYING QUESTION ON EARTH
Twenty men at the table, including your cousins who all have a partner. And there you are with your imaginary girl or boyfriend. Or maybe you just like being single and done. Yet there must always be that one aunt who – in front of everyone – shouts loudly: “But why are you still single then?”
5. THE CONSPIRACY THEORIST
Everyone has an uncle who is totally woke when it comes to conspiracy theories. Then he tells that story again about Miss Henny from group six – who is actually secretly Mark Rutte – and who has a new pandemic in mind with flying pizzas, and… I don’t follow it anymore. He tells all that while in the meantime he pops back two bottles of wine.
6. YOUR COUSIN’S UNINVITED “BESTIE” DRINKING ALL THE BOOZE WITH YOUR COUSIN
“I took my best friend with me because her family hates her. It’s pathetic.” No, it’s not pathetic. There will be a reason they hate her. And yes, all the booze is gone.
7. THE OVERPROTECTIVE PARENT
Perhaps this year is the ideal year not to invite your parents for Christmas. Then you won’t be bothered by your father or mother looking at your fingers while preparing the food. Even though you’ve been cooking for yourself for years, they still think you’re setting the microwave on fire.
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