We can’t know what the future holds – we all know that. However, that’s simply because we’re not time travellers who’ve already been up the temporal road and are now back to tell us mere mortals about it.
With that in mind, let me tell you about Noah. He claims that he’s been along to the year 2030 and has come back with some big news for the coming years.
The most suspicious thing about these time travellers is that they don’t come back and keep what has happened to themselves. Surely, you’d come back from next Wednesday and just stick a EuroMillions ticket on, wouldn’t you?
Or perhaps you’d bring back a copy of the sports paper from next Monday and get stuck right into that?
Nope, these guys all come back to bring dark tidings from the not so distant future. If only we could all be so community minded.
Anyway, putting our many aspersions aside, let’s hear the guy out.
Noah’s predictions include an increase in sightings of UFOs, and a cataclysmic snowstorm that will destroy large swathes of the United States of America.
It’s fair to say that if Noah is right, it’s going to be a busy year.
Speaking with noted UFO and time-traveller enthusiasts, Apex TV, Noah – utilising a voice changer – showed off some ‘library pages’ that he helpfully gathered from the not-too-distant future.
In the amusing and frankly bizarre video, he states: “Hello my name is Noah the Time Traveller. I have come back from 2030 to tell you guys about the future.
“Starting from 2019 to 2020, January 2019 will see a huge and massive spike of UFO sightings. People see them everywhere.
“In February 2019, massive snowstorm hits the Midwest, multiple cities are wiped out by snow storms. It is the biggest snowstorm in history.”
After a bumper first part of 2019, things cool down slightly. Highlights include a robotic eye being released in April, and a chip that will allow ‘paralysed people to walk again’ in June.
But wait, there is more.
In 2020, he claims that Donald Trump will be elected as US President for a second term, adding: “This is not opinion, these are the facts.”
You may at this point be wondering how he became this multiverse navigating harbinger of doom. Well, before now Noah has claimed that he is a government employed time-traveller. This, he says, causes him worry.
Despite that, he remains committed to revealing ‘the truth’ to the masses.
He continues: “It’s hard for me to tell people. Maybe filming this documentary is a bad idea. Maybe I’ll be hunted down.
“We have to alert the public that time travel is real, and the government is hiding it from you and secretly using it.”
Aye, right. Just go back to the 1980s to invest in Microsoft, Noah LAD.